The Shit Remote…

Remember your friend from college who used to insist on taking a picture of his defecation and text to everyone in the group?  If you don’t, lucky you.  If you still have this friend, maybe you shouldn’t.  If you are this friend, stop it!  Now, imagine that giant shit that your friend is strangely proud of had a remote control right next to it.

Allow me to explain.  A little backstory: my daughter, now 2 and a half is recently potty trained.  We’ve got it pretty much down, but she still has this thing.  She always starts to shit in her pants.  She won’t finish in her pants, but she gets the turtle head out of the shell before she says she has to poop.  I think you get the picture.

John wayneOne day she started her daily shit in her Dory underwear per usual.  We ran to the bathroom, her doing her best John Wayne impression. Because walking with shit in your pants is really hard work.  We get to the bathroom with enough time for her to finish her shadoobie in the appropriate arena.  I peeled her underwear off of her, careful not to smear shit all over the front of the toilet…again.

Meanwhile, my 1-year-old is walking around chewing on the remote control for the TV because, well, I’ve just given up as a parent.  Keep in mind, he is obsessed with the toilet.  We’ve already lost a DVD to him taking it for a little swim in the porcelain kiddie pool.  Typically, he only keeps her company while she’s pinching one off.  He’s just sitting in wait for her to be done so he can go to town in the toilet water like God intended.

After my successful removal of the shit stained underwear, I ran upstairs to start a load of laundry, because….poop.  When I came back downstairs I noticed the 1-year-old didn’t have the remote anymore.  Not too strange as he usually leaves random stuff in random places all day long.  I walked into the bathroom to see the girl one still sitting with a look of pride on her face over the stench that was coming from the toilet.  “Good Girl!” she shouted as I asked her if she pooped.  Her legs were slightly separated, and as I looked into the potty, I see something shiny.

“What’s in there?” I asked.

“I poop!!” She replied.

I took her off the toilet to wipe her nasty ass when I see it.  A giant, grown man turd nestled next to our small, black television remote.  My 1-year-old had sneaked it between her legs, mid shit mind you, and then continued about his business as if nothing had happened.

What. In. All. The. Fuck?!?!?! I got a pair of latex gloves that I normally only use when I cut up jalapenos and plucked the shit covered remote out of the toilet. gag There was no question in my mind to throw it away, but I knew that if we were going to buy a new one, we would need to know what the old one looked like.  So, I kept it out to show my husband when he got home from work.

The minute he walked in the door was halfway through both a Bud Light and the story of what happened to our remote.  This sick bastard, says we should keep the remote.  I’m sorry.  Are you fucking kidding me?  There was literally nothing between it and shit.  He replied, “Literally everything in this house has got to be covered in shit at this point,” and threw it in a bowl of rice to dry out. While I can’t argue with his logic about shit in the house, at least 2 of our kids have straight up shit on the floor in the living room, it’s totally different to see it…in the toilet…touching something you hold in your hand every day.

Much to my chagrin, the remote works.  The rice worked, in case you were wondering.  The fucking thing is sitting in my living room.  While I have disinfected it with a bleach solution, I still refuse to use it.  My husband just laughs at me.  To which I simply reply, “You didn’t see it! You don’t know!”


You don't know


It’s The First Day of School…Great.

Since today is the first day of school for our kid, I figured to today was as good a day as any for my very first blog post!  YAY!!

Thanks to social media we all get a front row seat to the first day of school for every school-aged child we’ve never met.  I’m not really sure how the phenomenon began. Love it or hate it, it’s a thing and it’s EVERYWHERE.  I’ve broken down what I believe are the three kinds of people on social media on the first day of school.

First Day of School

1. The Stay-at-home-mom

This is the category I, obviously, relate to the most.  Sure, we all love spending time with our kids.  They are the fruit of our loins, what’s not to love?  Well, for starters, they’re loud.  They smell bad. They don’t listen.  They’re bored the first day of Summer. And did I mention they’re loud?  Imagine, if you will, spending every single day for 90 whole days with your drunk college roommate.  Now, you have a glimpse into why stay-at-home moms LOVE back to school time.  It’s better than Christmas.  Not kidding.

Even if you’re not a stay-at-home mom, your kids being home all Summer without routine or social outlets is exhausting.  Yesterday, the 7-year-old actually says to me out of nowhere, “am I with you on my birthday?”  It was August, 15.  His birthday is December, 31.  Are you fucking kidding me? This kid needs something to fill his brain so it doesn’t have time or space to think about shit like this.

For the parent(s) who are ready for school to start, I hear you.  This is your day.  Enjoy it.

2. The Childless Singleton

These poor, unsuspecting bastards.  As a single, childless person in your 30’s the first day of school sneaks up on you like a shark on a blonde slut swimming at night.  You don’t see it coming because why the hell would you?  You have no business knowing when the first day of school is.  And that’s the way God intended.  You wake up on a random Wednesday (because school starts in the middle of the week for some reason) thinking it’s just another Hump Day.  You’re half way through the week.  You sit down to take your morning shit and BOOM!!!  Like a tidal wave of unsolicited information, your social media feeds are bombarded with pictures and posts of the first day of school.  Fuck.

The first few are cute.  You even understand the Kindergarten ones and chuckle at the creative ones. That quickly fades to, “Who fucking cares about 4th grade?!” Which gives way to, “Bro! I didn’t even know you had a kid!!” Finally, by midday you just can’t anymore.  You seriously consider blocking everyone with school-aged children.  Then you remember that one time, 4 years ago, when that guy had a funny post about something and decide to suck it up.

To you who suffer through the torturous day of pretending to care about other people’s kids, I apologize. It is a truly horrible day for you. But remember this, you get to leave the house whenever you want, drink whenever you want, go wherever you want, and answer to no one.  Your like is exponential more exciting.  Don’t get annoyed or angry with us.  Pity us.  This is all we have.  Hang in there.

3. The People Who Legitimately Care

These are the people I admire the most and understand the least.  They actually care about other people’s kids and enjoy seeing pictures of the first day of school.  “My how they’ve grown,” they comment.  “Have a great day,” they reply.  They actually take time out of their day.  Granted, most of these people are grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.  There is a sense of obligation on some level, but still.  I can’t comprehend it.  I care so little about things, it blows my mind when someone cares so much.

To these people, thank you!  Thank you for being such wonderful people who hold up the moral fiber of this nation.  You instill faith in the faithless that there is still good in this world.  You are the optimistic Yin to my pessimistic Yang.

No matter where you fall on the back to school spectrum, I fear there is no escaping the first day of school monster that takes over social media for the last few weeks in August.  So, good luck students of all ages, congratulations parents, hang in there you lucky childless bastards, and enjoy the posts those who actually give a shit.