Drinking My Juice Box; Putting Out The Vibe

My oldest is 8 years old.  He’s 8.  On a day to day basis, he is not into girls at all.  I mean, he has female friends. Friends whom he loves and enjoys spending time with. But when asked if he has a girlfriend he replies emphatically, NO! All of this makes me very very happy.  I might be slightly biased, but he is one handsome kid.  He already has giddy girls coming to the house looking for him while he hides in his basement bedroom pretending not to be home.  That’s right my son, you play hard to get for as long as you can. Drives them crazy!

This was the norm…until the 15-year-old blonde babysitter shows up. Did I mention she’s a dancer and weighs about a buck soaking wet?  I guess that goes without saying.  She’s a great kid and we all love her, but I think my eldest son has developed another L word for her. (Lust. It’s lust, in case you couldn’t figure that out.)

First of all, every time I mention that she is coming over to watch them he replies, “Yes!!” At first, I thought it was just because he got a solid 7 hours away from me.  But as time has passed, I have come to the conclusion that my son just has a thing for the older gals. Again, he’s wise beyond his years.

My suspicions were confirmed last Friday. The night before, I was putting him to bed, and I noticed he was in long pants and a long-sleeved flannel button-up shirt. Which wouldn’t be odd, except it was July and 100 degrees outside.  Nonetheless, I didn’t think much of it until the next morning.  I’m running around getting things ready for the sitter Magnumfor the day.  He came up the stairs from the basement still wearing his long pants and a flannel shirt.  With one major difference…his button up was no longer buttoned up.  That’s right.  He strolled upstairs looking like Magnum PI with 100% less body hair. Then asked if the babysitter was there yet.  Ummmmm, excuse me?!

Where is my little boy and who is this lothario I see before me? He then sat on the couch, you know, just putting out the vibe.   By the time I leave for work, his outfit hadn’t changed one bit. His nonchalance was borderline impressive.  “What?  I always sit like this.  Nothing new here.”  Bullshit!  This is the same kid who wears orange shorts with a lime green tank top.  His appearance had never been this calculated.

As I left for work, I’m wondering if my half-pint Hugh Hefner will succeed in his, slightly over-zealous, attempt to seduce the babysitter.  A part of me, the mom, was terrified at this thought.  He’s a baby.  What is he doing?  The other part of me, the delinquent, is like go get ’em son!  Way to aim high!  That’s my boy!

The hef

Fast forward to the end of the day.  I was a little curious if he had made her endure his shirtless parade all day, or if he finally caved and put on some clothes.  I was a little scared he’d pulled a smokers jacket and pipe out from somewhere. Wouldn’t you know, I walked through the door, and the boy was still rocking the jammie pants with, you guessed it, no shirt at all.  Apparently, the opened button down wasn’t having the come-hither effect he was hoping for.  I guess at some point you just have to pull out all the stops and show them what you’re working with.

I did feel a little bad for the babysitter.  Whether she was aware of what was happening or not, there is a half naked kid running around the house all day.  That’s not weird at all.

I looked at him in wonderment and confusion. How do you go from avoiding girls at all costs to blatantly working the room in your spiderman pajama pants?  I legitimately thought I had at least 4 more years before I had to deal with this stuff.   He’s 8.  8.  As in he’s only been on the planet long enough to think that the Cubs have always been good. Moral of the story, if you have an attractive teenage daughter, look out, there’s 59 lbs of raw, pre-pubescent sexual magnetism coming their way.