Your Mom Can’t Stop Peeing Herself. The Least You Could Do Is Buy A Card

I started working out again a few months ago and noticed that every time I did, I would pee a little in pants.  Sometimes more than others.  I have three kids so there was no mystery as to why this was happening.  I thought it was kind of funny and started taking pictures of my pee stained crotch (that I have shared in this post) and sending them to friends of mine who would undoubtedly be disgusted and then find it hilarious.  To my surprise they weren’t disgusted at all.  In fact, they found them all too familiar.  Apparently, I wasn’t the only one with leakage issues.  Moms are involuntarily peeing themselves, and it’s awful and hilarious.

20180208_165702I figured since Mother’s Day is right around corner (May 13th, you’re welcome) now is as good a time as any to bring this disgusting little Snapchat-1881934696consequence of conception to light.  Have you ever been somewhere with a mom and the leave abruptly?  Yup. She pissed herself.  Have you ever heard a laughing woman quickly stop laughing?  Yup. She pissed herself.  Have you ever seen a woman standing in a long bathroom line at a concert? Yup She pissed herself.  Every mom you know is always peeing in her pants… just a little bit.

20180216_170928I used to love jumping on trampolines. Not anymore! Going for a run was a great way to relieve stress.  Nope.  Working out kept me in shape and gave me more energy.  Now, it just gives me more laundry. And don’t get me started on jumping jacks!!  I love to Snapchat-827610937laugh. I mean, LOVE to laugh.  A life without laughter is not a life worth living.  These days my Ha Ha Ha’s are followed by Oh, Oh- No’s.  And God forbid I get a cold. Between the coughing and the sneezing, I don’t own enough pairs of underwear. And something you might not realize, it doesn’t matter if she had a baby scooped out thanks to modern medicine, or shot one out the shoot the old fashioned way.  Perpetuating the species fucks your plumbing up!

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So, this Mother’s Day remember that in addition to doing your laundry, cooking your meals, cleaning your house, running you and/or your kids all around town, trying to take care of herself, working a Full or part-time job, and still looking bomb ass in her jeans, she is also probably walking around with a little bit of tinkle in her undies. I think the least you could do is buy a card, and say sorry for the weakened pelvic floor.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!!

 

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The Mom Code: We’re All On the Same Team

Remember when you were in college or even high school and you would get all dressed up to go out on a Friday night?  Remember when you tried to convince everyone that it was to attract a dude?  Remember when that was a bold-faced lie?  Let’s be honest ladies, our whole lives we have been motivated by impressing/competing with other females.  It’s not entirely our fault.  We can thank biology/evolution for a lot of it, but at the end of the day the female-to-female relationship has always been tumultuous, to say the least.  Being a grown-up (ish) and a mom doesn’t change that.  Only now instead of trying to have better cleavage than the other girls, you’re trying to replicate everything you see on Pinterest or prove you’re a better mom by pushing yourself to your limits all the time. Girls, let’s cut the bullshit.  We’re all on the same team.  These are just a couple things to help ignite the conversation; mixed with a little humor, of course, because feelings are gross.

  1. Don’t be a bitch. I mean, you can totally be a betch.  Just don’t be a bitch.
  2. Talk about all the awful things you think or feel. I don’t know about you, but when I hear other moms say things like, “I could have beat him to within an inch of his life,” or “I’m going to drink my body weight tonight,” or “I’m thinking of running away, would you like to come with me,” I feel like I’ve found a soulmate.
  3.  If you’re in a parking lot with a lot of open parking spots, DO NOT park right next to another mom car (mini-van, large cross-over or full-size SUV). I get this one is really specific, but it drives me crazy. It’s a dick move regardless of who you are, but especially other moms.  You know kids swing those giant doors open like they’re on an episode of Miami Vice.  As if going anywhere with kids isn’t stressful enough, now I have anxiety about my kid or myself dinging your precious Honda Oddessy. The way I see it, if my kid dings your car and there are more than 2 open spots in the vicinity, you deserve it. Give a mom some space! 
  4. Don’t hate; Commiserate. Yeah, my kid is having a meltdown at Meijer.  Don’t even try to pretend like your’s has never done the same thing.
  5. It’s okay to have a sense of self. Just because a person(s) has come out of your vag does not mean you have lost all aspects of who you were before they were born, including your sense of humor. For some reason, it seems like moms lose their edge when they have kids.  Why? I’m not saying to need to watch Andrew Dice Clay with your kids, but you can still keep your four-letter vocabulary, your slutty clothes, and your favorite bottle of vodka vaulted for when your kids aren’t around. We’re still adults.  We’re still women.  And one day our kids will be gone, and I’d like to think that I could one day have a conversation with someone that has nothing to do with giving birth, breastfeeding, or the PTO. Plus, let’s be honest, a dick joke is always funny.

All jokes aside (just kidding jokes are never aside), as moms we are all fighting the same battle, keeping our shit together.  It’s a daily battle.  As a young mom, it took me years to find the confidence to find other mom friends.  I was always convinced that everyone was judging me.  Having a baby daddy does not make me a bad person.  Now, I have a great group of mom friends who I learn from every day, and who I hope learn things from me too. I am no longer afraid of the mom group because I’ve realized we are all just making it up as we go and trying not to say fuck in front of our kids. We are all on the same team. If we don’t work together, support each other, embrace each other, they win. They, of course, is our children.  They. Cannot. Win.

**Disclaimer: I am guilty of all of these, except the humor part. I have too many issues to not use humor as a defense mechanism.