Well, we’re doing better this year. We actually had family pictures taken! I know, I know. It’s almost like we have our shit together. But don’t worry, we still don’t. Another year has passed, my kids have grown, my husband has established himself in his job, and I’m still figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. So from our ever growing, changing, moving, dysfunctional family to yours, Merry Christmas!!
In a matter of weeks my eldest child will be 9. He looks like a 9 year-old, he smells like a 9 year-old, he has teeth 4 sizes too big for this face like a 9 year-old. Despite being forced to take a shower every day, he still smells like the human equivalent of moldy drywall. He wants nothing to do with girls, and will put more effort into not brushing his teeth than it would take to just brush his teeth. He is still kicking ass in his art class. And even though he’s not at the top of his class academically, he makes everyone in class laugh. And honestly, I couldn’t be more proud.
Greatest Accomplishment: Learning that you can, in fact, pee in the toilet without peeing all over the floor.
Claire started preschool last January. Thanks to a slight speech delay, she qualified for public preschool, which means it’s FREE!!!! Her language has improved greatly and she now talks non-stop. Non. Stop. She has discovered that she gives zero fucks about what anyone thinks, and has continued to live her life as such. Her hair looks like she should live at Grey Gardens, and she’s still doing her best to mess up the curve by rocking straight up size 6t clothes. She got her room painted purple this year. And while she loves all things girly, she will still pile drive her brothers like she believes professional wrestling is real.
Greatest Accomplishment: Not shitting in her pants….as much.
This blogs namesake turned 2 this year. If I called him a whiny little bitch, I would be doing a disservice to whiny little bitches everywhere. We have the terrible 2s coupled with severe separation anxiety, which makes for an expensive drinking habit for Mommy. He is talking so much, busting out new words everything day like, “What the heck?” and “God Damnit!” He’s a regular chatty Cathy. This year he also moved into a big boy bed, and really loves the whole not sleeping in a cage thing anymore. Most recently, he has started potty training and will tell us if he has to go potty to “make water.”
Greatest Accomplishment: Has mastered the art of Chinese water torture in the form of “Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama…”
Josh has been kicking ass and taking names at work. He also discovered that he and his boss, also named Josh, are exactly the same person. So, that’s not weird or anything. You know how most people get softer in their old age, not my man! He still hates everyone as much if not more than ever before. He still has the same protein shake every day for breakfast, he still puts a fried egg on his cheeseburger, and he still keeps a cleaner house than I do. However, now he does all of that in dress pants that hug his ass and brown wing tips.
Greatest Accomplishment: Randomly joining Sam’s club while bored on his lunch hour one day.
Age: Still none of your damn business.
I have learned how to survive on little to no sleep each and every day. I’m currently lobbying to be in a clinical trial for coffee that is distributed intravenously. My current career path has me competing with 12 year-olds for babysitting jobs, in addition to some marketing consulting. You know, because 3 kids of my own, one extra, a husband, and a house just isn’t enough. I’m learning to not care so much what people think. Turns out I can care less! Who knew? Nothing get’s me more excited than when something is on sale, whether I need it or not. And I’m sickeningly aware of all the things that make me “basic;” for most of which, I feel no need to apologize.
Greatest Accomplishment: Recently bought the best pair of leggings at Aldi for $6.
Merry Christmas all you filthy animals!!