Your Mom Can’t Stop Peeing Herself. The Least You Could Do Is Buy A Card

I started working out again a few months ago and noticed that every time I did, I would pee a little in pants.  Sometimes more than others.  I have three kids so there was no mystery as to why this was happening.  I thought it was kind of funny and started taking pictures of my pee stained crotch (that I have shared in this post) and sending them to friends of mine who would undoubtedly be disgusted and then find it hilarious.  To my surprise they weren’t disgusted at all.  In fact, they found them all too familiar.  Apparently, I wasn’t the only one with leakage issues.  Moms are involuntarily peeing themselves, and it’s awful and hilarious.

20180208_165702I figured since Mother’s Day is right around corner (May 13th, you’re welcome) now is as good a time as any to bring this disgusting little Snapchat-1881934696consequence of conception to light.  Have you ever been somewhere with a mom and the leave abruptly?  Yup. She pissed herself.  Have you ever heard a laughing woman quickly stop laughing?  Yup. She pissed herself.  Have you ever seen a woman standing in a long bathroom line at a concert? Yup She pissed herself.  Every mom you know is always peeing in her pants… just a little bit.

20180216_170928I used to love jumping on trampolines. Not anymore! Going for a run was a great way to relieve stress.  Nope.  Working out kept me in shape and gave me more energy.  Now, it just gives me more laundry. And don’t get me started on jumping jacks!!  I love to Snapchat-827610937laugh. I mean, LOVE to laugh.  A life without laughter is not a life worth living.  These days my Ha Ha Ha’s are followed by Oh, Oh- No’s.  And God forbid I get a cold. Between the coughing and the sneezing, I don’t own enough pairs of underwear. And something you might not realize, it doesn’t matter if she had a baby scooped out thanks to modern medicine, or shot one out the shoot the old fashioned way.  Perpetuating the species fucks your plumbing up!

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So, this Mother’s Day remember that in addition to doing your laundry, cooking your meals, cleaning your house, running you and/or your kids all around town, trying to take care of herself, working a Full or part-time job, and still looking bomb ass in her jeans, she is also probably walking around with a little bit of tinkle in her undies. I think the least you could do is buy a card, and say sorry for the weakened pelvic floor.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!!

 

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It’s Christmas. Be Nice, Damnit!

A couple of weeks ago I was out grocery shopping with my two youngest (ages 1 and 2).  Our typical routine consists of getting those hot deals on all things processed at Aldi, then boogying over to Meijer for the fancy generic food they just don’t have at Aldi.  Nevertheless, by the time we get to check out at Meijer everyone is in a Code Red situation.  The 2-year-old is tired from running through the store, the 1-year-old probably missed his morning nap and is fighting an internal battle on whether he’s more hungry or tired.  At this point, it’s a toss-up.  There is a meltdown just around the corner.  I know it, the cashier knows it, every retired person in Bloomington-Normal shopping with us on a Thursday morning knows it.

Needless to say,  I try to make it through checkout in record time.  I place everything on the belt in a way that makes sense for bagging.  If I’m buying booze (HAHAHAHA “if”)… tenorWhen I’m buying booze, I keep it for last so I can have my ID ready. However, it doesn’t matter how prepared you are there are too many variables.  Too many things out of your control.  Those sons-a-bitches who design these stores know that stressed-out parents like me will do anything to shut their kids up in the check out lane so they fill it with candy, and toys and random shit that no one on this planet ever needs….ever.

So, the 1-year-old starts fussing because it’s feedin’ time.  The 2-year-old wants all theKung Pao miniature princess dolls that as soon as we get home, will mean jack shit.  I’m shoving every cracker I have in the diaper bag down the baby’s throat, while trying to distract the girl one with anything that won’t cost me any more money.  I get all the groceries on the belt, I’m sweating like George Costanza housing Kung Pao Chicken, and now there is someone behind us in line, which for some reason elevates my stress level.

We get all checked out.  Bags back in the cart.  Debit card swiped, then inserted because I can never remember which one it is.  At this point, my anxiety is to a max.  I still have to get everything and everyone in the car, home, out of the car, fed, and napped.  Ugh….

Then, the woman who had braved standing behind us in line looks at me and says, “Wow.  You make that look so easy.  I remember doing it, but I don’t remember it being that easy.”

BIQWWmlCQAEN7hOI almost burst into tears and hugged her.  At first, I thought “Well, Gotcha Bitch!  Cause I’m a fucking wreck!”  But I took the high road and said, “If you were in my head you wouldn’t be saying that.  But thank you very much.”

That woman, whoever she is, has no idea what she said meant to me in that moment.  When you go anywhere with little kids you feel like a pariah.  The minute you walk in you can actually hear the eye rolls.  I can’t say I blame them. Other people’s kids are annoying.  Just remember that we’re doing the best we can.

So whenever you see a mom, a dad, anyone straight up owning a stressful situation, whether it’s kid related or not, give them credit.  If you’re thinking something nice about someone, say it. It sounds so simple and yet it’s something I’ll admit I rarely do.  Why?  Shouldn’t we be lifting each other up?  Especially this time of year when everyone is stressed out, be nice.  Find the good.   You never know when you could be making someone’s day.  I know I will never forget that woman at Meijer who made all of my stress and efforts seem worth it.  She made me like everything was going to be ok, and there was nothing I couldn’t deal with.  So, whoever you are Meijer Angel, Thank You! And as for the rest of you, I know people suck but try to be nice.  Maybe they won’t suck as much.

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