Since today is the first day of school for our kid, I figured to today was as good a day as any for my very first blog post! YAY!!
Thanks to social media we all get a front row seat to the first day of school for every school-aged child we’ve never met. I’m not really sure how the phenomenon began. Love it or hate it, it’s a thing and it’s EVERYWHERE. I’ve broken down what I believe are the three kinds of people on social media on the first day of school.
1. The Stay-at-home-mom
This is the category I, obviously, relate to the most. Sure, we all love spending time with our kids. They are the fruit of our loins, what’s not to love? Well, for starters, they’re loud. They smell bad. They don’t listen. They’re bored the first day of Summer. And did I mention they’re loud? Imagine, if you will, spending every single day for 90 whole days with your drunk college roommate. Now, you have a glimpse into why stay-at-home moms LOVE back to school time. It’s better than Christmas. Not kidding.
Even if you’re not a stay-at-home mom, your kids being home all Summer without routine or social outlets is exhausting. Yesterday, the 7-year-old actually says to me out of nowhere, “am I with you on my birthday?” It was August, 15. His birthday is December, 31. Are you fucking kidding me? This kid needs something to fill his brain so it doesn’t have time or space to think about shit like this.
For the parent(s) who are ready for school to start, I hear you. This is your day. Enjoy it.
2. The Childless Singleton
These poor, unsuspecting bastards. As a single, childless person in your 30’s the first day of school sneaks up on you like a shark on a blonde slut swimming at night. You don’t see it coming because why the hell would you? You have no business knowing when the first day of school is. And that’s the way God intended. You wake up on a random Wednesday (because school starts in the middle of the week for some reason) thinking it’s just another Hump Day. You’re half way through the week. You sit down to take your morning shit and BOOM!!! Like a tidal wave of unsolicited information, your social media feeds are bombarded with pictures and posts of the first day of school. Fuck.
The first few are cute. You even understand the Kindergarten ones and chuckle at the creative ones. That quickly fades to, “Who fucking cares about 4th grade?!” Which gives way to, “Bro! I didn’t even know you had a kid!!” Finally, by midday you just can’t anymore. You seriously consider blocking everyone with school-aged children. Then you remember that one time, 4 years ago, when that guy had a funny post about something and decide to suck it up.
To you who suffer through the torturous day of pretending to care about other people’s kids, I apologize. It is a truly horrible day for you. But remember this, you get to leave the house whenever you want, drink whenever you want, go wherever you want, and answer to no one. Your like is exponential more exciting. Don’t get annoyed or angry with us. Pity us. This is all we have. Hang in there.
3. The People Who Legitimately Care
These are the people I admire the most and understand the least. They actually care about other people’s kids and enjoy seeing pictures of the first day of school. “My how they’ve grown,” they comment. “Have a great day,” they reply. They actually take time out of their day. Granted, most of these people are grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. There is a sense of obligation on some level, but still. I can’t comprehend it. I care so little about things, it blows my mind when someone cares so much.
To these people, thank you! Thank you for being such wonderful people who hold up the moral fiber of this nation. You instill faith in the faithless that there is still good in this world. You are the optimistic Yin to my pessimistic Yang.
No matter where you fall on the back to school spectrum, I fear there is no escaping the first day of school monster that takes over social media for the last few weeks in August. So, good luck students of all ages, congratulations parents, hang in there you lucky childless bastards, and enjoy the posts those who actually give a shit.